Writing for Babies — Part 2
A journaling workshop after pregnancy loss
The companion essay “Writing for Babies — Part 1” provides background on the development of this workshop on journaling after pregnancy loss.
Content Warning: The following article contains topics related to miscarriages, pregnancy, loss, and trauma. Read at your discretion.
Why journal?
· To remember
· To honor
· To heal
· To share
· To inspire
· To rage
· To express gratitude
· To preserve the details
· To be able to say anything
· To make suffering bearable
· To order and reframe perspective
· To get it out of your head
· To get it out of your heart
Let’s define what we mean by pregnancy loss. Pregnancy loss includes both miscarriage and stillbirth. In the United States, a miscarriage is defined as the death of a fetus before 20 weeks of pregnancy; stillbirth refers to a death of a fetus after 20 weeks of pregnancy. The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) estimates that miscarriage is the most common form of pregnancy loss. Approximately 20% of pregnancies (one in five) end in miscarriage and the majority of these are caused by chromosomal abnormality of the fetus.
After losing a baby through miscarriage, it’s common to wonder if you did something to cause the pregnancy loss. Did you overexert yourself by running that 10K? Or maybe you haven’t been getting enough rest. Have you been eating the wrong foods? Was it that glass of champagne on New Year’s Eve?
While the cause of miscarriage is unlikely to be related to any of these situations, self-blame is hard to avoid when dealing with a pregnancy loss. In reality, miscarriages are almost never anyone’s fault. In fact, there are many myths and misconceptions that surround the cause of miscarriage. With very few exceptions, there is almost nothing you or your doctor can do to affect whether or not you will have a miscarriage.
A miscarriage is often a traumatic event for both partners and can evoke a level of grief similar to that experienced at the loss of a child or other member of the family. Most women who suffer miscarriages don’t talk about them. Their family, friends, and sometimes even their partners, don’t understand the profound grief they feel. Miscarriage makes you feel alone.
That sense of isolation has implications for long-term mental health and well-being. Plus, it’s not an uncommon experience. The American Psychological Association reports nearly 20% of women who experience early pregnancy loss experience symptoms of depression and/or anxiety that may last for 1 to 3 years.
Many well-known personalities have gone public about their miscarriages. First Lady Michelle Obama; singers Carrie Underwood, Beyoncé, Celine Dion, and Pink; and actors Nicole Kidman, Gabrielle Union, and Ali Wong have shared their experiences of pregnancy loss. By sharing their stories, these women help to remove the stigma that women feel when they lose a baby.
This workshop offered participants additional tools for dealing with this stressful experience and the opportunity to give voice to some of their feelings. They were offered time (albeit short intervals), a safe space, and permission to explore their thoughts and give voice to their feelings about this life changing experience of pregnancy loss.
The format of the class used a series of timed writings, 10–20 minutes each, with informal breaks for discussion between writing sessions. The blank page can be intimidating, so a variety of strategies provided starting points for their writing including the use of lists, repetitive phrases, storytelling, questions, and directives prompts.
Participants received a list of writing prompts that were also read aloud before the start of each writing session. Participants were asked to pick one of the topics and just flat out write for the allotted time. Other than a suggestion that they date their journal entries, there were no rules for writing. They were encouraged to keep the pen moving on the page, forget about punctuation and spelling and write as though no one would ever read it. Participants were given time, space, tissues, and topics along with permission to write about whatever topic resonated or motivated them.
The first writing exercise asked participants to make a list, of things mundane or profound, perhaps one of the following:
o Things you are grateful for
o Your favorite comfort foods
o Places you want to visit
o Shows you want to binge watch
o People who supported you
o Things you must write about
o Things you must not write about
o Your wishes, secrets, blessings, dreams, fears
o Questions you wish people would stop asking
The second timed writing suggested starting each sentence or paragraph with repetitive words or phrases, establishing a rhythm, not unlike a prose poem:
o Why…
o I must remember…
o My baby…
o I never told anyone…
o My spouse/partner…
o I am grateful for…
o I am afraid (sad, angry, happy, relieved) about…
o Imagine…
o The doctor said…
o If only…
The third exercise asked parents to tell me a story about:
o Losing the pregnancy
o What you learned about yourself
o What you learned about your partner
o Naming your baby
o Your marriage/partnership
o Anything else
The penultimate assignment used a question to begin a journal entry:
o Who have you talked with about this loss?
o What did you grieve?
o What did you celebrate?
o What do you want to say to the doctor and nurses?
o What was the first holiday you celebrated without your baby?
o Where was God?
o What does your partner/spouse need from you now?
o What do you need from your partner/spouse?
The final timed exercise used a directive writing prompt that gave an assignment such as:
o Write a letter to your baby.
o Write a letter to your spouse.
o Write about your feelings.
o Write about what you have learned.
o Write about your unfinished business.
o Write about something other than the loss of your baby.
o Write about the future.
At breaks between writing exercises we stretched, chatted, dried tears, and replenished fluids. At the end of the workshop, participants were given the opportunity to read aloud their journal entries for the other parents.
The journals were theirs to keep and it was up to each of them if they wanted to share their writing or keep it private. They left with handouts of the writing prompts used for the timed writings, along with a list of books and websites on journaling, grieving, and healing after pregnancy loss.
Besides journaling, other suggestions to commemorate the loss of your baby:
· Create a memorial.
· Plant a garden with special plants (forget-me-nots, baby’s breath, baby roses, baby cacti or succulents).
· Name your baby.
· Plant a tree in your child’s honor.
· Compose a song, poem, or prayer.
· Volunteer or fundraise for an organization that’s meaningful for you.
· Honor anniversaries (light a candle, make a contribution in your baby’s memory).
Don’t be afraid to share your story. Chances are, someone else needs to talk about pregnancy loss as much as you do. Join a support group, seek counseling, and take good care of yourself.
